The kids don't seem to know the difference. The run is still a big deal. I went to watch my boys run with my baby girls in tow. It was freezing cold with a wind strong enough to blow a small child away. The weather app had lied to us and we were dressed for spring not the dead if winter. Standing there in the freezing winds I was simultaneously being the best parent (to my boys) and the worst parent (to my girls). What kind of mother forces her toddler and newborn to be outside for an hour in that kind of weather? But it was important to my boys that I was there cheering them on. They were raising money for their school after all. Oh wait.
After it was over, I went home, drank hot chocolate and changed into sweatpants. I ended up taking a nap with my girls that afternoon. When I picked up my 5 year old. He was tired and cranky. He admitted that he had not fallen asleep at rest time. On the rare occasion that this happens, I usually drive around for a few miles so he'll fall asleep in the car. A Henry without a nap is not the kind of Henry that spends a pleasant evening at home so it was important that he sleep a little.
Henry did not like this plan. He did not fall asleep in the car and he whined and fussed the whole time. I was careful not to lose my temper with him because I have learned that showing my frustration with him does not work in my favor. With every whine he was proving to me a little more that a nap was really the only way to turn this afternoon around. Any minute now.
After 30 minutes of driving and relentless complaining and no sleep, I gave up and parked in the pick up line to wait for Gavin. The baby needed to nurse anyway. We had about a 30 minute wait. I was still holding out hope that Henry would fall asleep.
Henry asked to get out of the car and I told him no. That's when it happened. A little voice in the back of the car said. "Fine. I'll just get a new house." He meant a new family. I didn't say anything while my mind raced about how to handle this. I wanted to punish him. Maybe lecture him a bit, send him to his room until dinner. I knew that this would just cause his resentment to grow. I could handle this wrong and really set the stage for bitterness and resentment to grow in his heart. I could also ignore him and let him think he could say things like that with no consequences.
I waited. He asked to get out of the car. I gently but firmly said no again. He said "Fine. You get a new house." He meant for me to get a new family. I knew that I could not ignore this but I had to be tender and loving in order to appeal to this little boy's heart. I said. "I don't want a new house. I think our house is perfect and our family is perfect. I can't believe how wonderful you are and Gavin is and Everly is and Genevieve is and Daddy is. Our house is perfect and our family is perfect. I would be so sad if any one of you were gone and I would be so sad without you, Henry. You are a very special boy and I love you so much."
He was quiet. He didn't respond with words but he was calmed by my words. He stopped complaining and asking to get out of the car. After I put the baby down he came up to sit with me in the front seat. We talked for awhile and I asked if I could hold him. He climbed onto my lap and I held him like a baby for a minute then he sat up to play with the steering wheel and pretend to drive the car.
It's times like these when I want to collapse and cry and wonder if I did the right thing. But this time, I think I did the right thing. He was testing my acceptance of him and I showed him that I love him, no matter what. A heart cannot be punished. A heart can either be wounded or made whole. Rather than telling him that he was wrong I helped him to see that he was wrong and his dignity and heart remained intact.
Wonderful mothering. Good job. Sending several pats which should land on your back. ;)
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