A New Chapter

We enter a new chapter of our lives today. Yesterday was my husband's last day at his job. We'll have a few days together before he starts his new job on Monday.

If I think more than a moment about it, my eyes fill with tears that I won't let fall because I don't want to explore what they mean. I am afraid that I am pretty bitter about the toll his work has taken on our family.

This job began with hope and was a relief from his first job after college, which he hated. The first few years were great. Then things began to change.

Our family grew and so did his workload. The company also changed ownership. Keith began to travel out of the country one week out of every month. He was assigned a Blackberry so that he was never truly away from work. He received email around the clock, and occasionally had to take phone calls in the middle of the night. I hated his Blackberry but I hated his travel even more.

When the boys were toddlers, and Keith was gone for a week, they actually didn't notice that days were going by without seeing Daddy. I kept us very busy and stayed positive, never mentioning that he was gone. It worked beautifully for awhile. I think their understanding of time was so limited that they didn't feel much different from a day that he was at work.

After awhile the boys would not be fooled as easily. Gavin started to have triggers, like sitting down for dinner, or going to bed, that would remind him that Daddy was gone and he would cry. Henry joined the club soon after and every time Keith was away was worse than the last. The last one was about 2 months ago and I am not exaggerating when I say that Henry cried the entire week.

I had a terrible cycle of withdrawing emotionally during the week leading up to one of Keith's trips, pretending to be happy while he was gone and taking a week to warm up to him after his return. This left only one good week a month when his travel schedule was at it's peek. I was torn between supporting him in his work, celebrating his success, and expressing my true feelings that he was choosing work over us. Mostly I just wanted to be with my Love. We agreed that this wasn't what we wanted but it seemed worth the sacrifice for a time.

It wasn't all bad. Once he had meetings near New York City so I tagged along and we spent a few days together. Another time, he had meetings in Paris so I rush ordered a passport and went along. I explored the sights of the city and went to museums (in Paris!) while he was at work and we enjoyed the evenings together. Two years in a row, he was named top salesman so we were sent on a fabulous trip to the Breakers Resort in West Palm Beach, Florida. All were once in a lifetime experiences.

Then there was the financial incentive, a commission on his sales which was paid once a year. This is where you sell your soul. This is what kept him there even as our family was suffering. We talked frequently about how much longer he should stay. We usually decided that we could make it one more year so he could collect his next commission.

Finally, we decided that the financial incentive is no longer worth the sacrifice required of our family. This is a perfect example of finding joy through freedom. We are breaking free from financial dependency on a job that was negatively effecting not only my husband (he was the only one actually doing it) but our entire family.

This weekend, we will go on a little family trip and it feels like a honeymoon. Next week, we begin a new chapter and I am cautiously hopeful and calmly anticipating what it will bring. No more Blackberry! No more travel! We now have a better understanding of our limits in the balance of work and life. Our family is valuable and we will treasure it more than gold. I love my husband and am continually amazed by all that he gives to me and to our kids.