It's amazing what a year can do for a baby. A year ago, she was a squishy little ball who rarely opened her eyes and nursed constantly. Now she is a bright eyed girl who walks around the house with her hands behind her back, enjoys being a part of family activities, says around 10 words, gives hugs and kisses to her brothers and her mommy and daddy, loves dress up, asserts herself, bosses the boys with a pointing finger, and helps herself to snacks from the pantry.
A year ago I thought she might never come. I had false labor every 3rd night for a full month before she was born. I had pages and pages of contraction times recorded in an an iPhone app. My husband was pressuring me to just go into labor (like there was anything I could do about it) and reminding me that if I hadn't changed doctors at 28 weeks I could have been induced a week early.
Natural birth was very important to me. I had planned to avoid taking an epidural for both of my boys, and both times was pressured by nurses to take one. Both times I regretted it and I knew that I would regret a third delivery going the way the first two had so I decided to make a change. I changed doctors and hospitals. I was less concerned about my old doctor than I was the nurses I had encountered. They were mean, and ridiculed natural birth. Because the nurses are in and out throughout the time spent in labor and delivery and the doctor is only there for 15 minutes, I knew that I had to change hospitals and if that meant changing doctors, so be it.
I thought of all of my friends. Most were like me and had prepared for a natural birth but ended up taking an epidural or needing other interventions. I could think of only one that had actually had a natural birth. I asked her who her doctor was and she gave me a great recommendation saying that the nurses at the hospital know that this doctor's patients usually want a natural birth and don't even mention epidurals. That was exactly what I wanted! So, at 28 weeks I made the switch. It felt like breaking up with my old doctor's office. The woman at the front desk who was usually chatty, was cold and said nothing when she handed over my medical records. I felt like saying "It's not you, it's me!"
So after a month of thinking that every day was the day she would be born, I woke up with contractions that hadn't subsided while I slept. Most nights the contractions lasted hours but whenever I finally fell asleep, I would wake up to find they had stopped. It was the day before my due date. I decided to be as active as possible in order to keep things going. I made cupcakes to take to the hospital to celebrate her arrival, I cleaned and vacuumed and swept and mopped. My sister stopped by and we chatted for awhile. I told her I thought this might be it.
I called my doctor to see if she could see me that day, she had an appointment that afternoon. I told her about my contractions. She checked me and found that I had made some progress but not much. She thought I might be in labor but wasn't sure. I went home and did some more organizing and cleaning.
By the late afternoon I had to lay down. I couldn't make dinner. I told the boys to get their backpacks out and pack clothes and pajamas so they could spend the night with grandma. Keith got home from work and started talking about problems he was having and a meeting he was going to have the next day. I tried to listen but was getting really irritated because I knew he wouldn't be going to work for the next few days so whatever he was talking about didn't matter. I had been texting him all day with updates about how I was doing but I guess he didn't understand that this really was "it."
The boys were running around yelling so finally I said "I need them gone!" Keith was all offended that I would say that about our children. I don't know what I said but I finally made him understand that I was, in fact, in labor and I needed the boys out of the house. He got the message and we got the kids in the car with their overnight stuff and dropped them off at grandma's house. I drove, ha!
After that we went to Chilli's for dinner. I barely fit in the booth. It felt like everyone was staring at my tummy. I ordered pasta thinking that it might be good to carb load like I would before a long run. I had to breathe through contractions and decided to let Keith drive home. I don't know what we did at home, maybe pack for the hospital. After dark we went on a huge walk around the neighborhood. I was determined that this time the contractions would not stop. By the end of the walk, I had to stop and lean on Keith during contractions.
We decided to try to get some sleep so we went to bed. I actually got several hours of sleep before a contraction woke me up. It was really strong and it hurt. I sort of panicked and told Keith we needed to go to the hospital immediately. We got there at about 3:00 am and went through all of the ridiculous questions to be admitted. When they checked me, I was at 3 cm. I was so disappointed! The nurse said "We'll probably keep you, it is your due date." I thought, "Of course you're keeping me, this is it." But I was very discouraged by the slow progression.
Nurses were in and out. They started an IV in my hand but I requested a hep lock so that I could move around and get in the shower if I felt like it. They hooked me up to monitors which I tolerated for about an hour. It was nice to hear the baby's heartbeat and see my contractions on the monitor. Then I got restless and decided to try the shower. It was a really great way to cope with the pain. One contraction made me collapse to my hands and knees. It must have lasted 5 or 10 minutes. I was in this position when Keith came to try to get me out of the shower. He said the doctor was there to break my water. I could hear the excitement in his voice, he loves to get things going and breaking my water was surely going to speed things up. I couldn't speak. I thought the doctor could wait. She had to wait, I could not move. Keith tried to coax me out of the shower like I was a little child. I tried so hard to ignore him. Then he said he was going to turn the water off and I managed to moan "no, no, no." That water was the only thing getting me through that contraction. Thankfully, he left me alone. The contraction finally ended, I thought it never would. I took several minutes to pull myself together after that. I managed to get up and out of the shower and move over to the bed. The room was quiet. The doctor had left. When she did come back she checked me and I was at 6 or 7. I was so discouraged. Contractions were awful and I was afraid I had hours to go.
The doctor broke my water and discovered miconium. This changed things. Had I been at another hospital, the baby would have been taken immediately to the NICU. Since my hospital didn't have a NICU or a baby nursery, the nurses were prepared to care for the baby in the room. The plan had been to let the baby stay with me and nurse for awhile but now she was going to have to go immediately to the warming bed where the nurses would be waiting to clean her up. I understood all of this and didn't get upset. It was just confirmation to me that she had been ready to be born for awhile. After she broke my water and explained the meconium procedure, the doctor left the room.
My mom arrived and said I had "the look." Meaning she thought I was really close. I was so miserable! Each contraction was searing pain that took over my whole body, though it was concentrated in my lower abdomin. The only thing that helped was to bury my head in Keith's chest and hang on to him. It didn't make the pain less but breathing him in helped me cope. My mom decided to wait in the waiting room until it was time. I didn't think I could take anymore. I asked the nurse if there was anything she could do for me. She said no that I would probably have the baby in the next 20 minutes. That was hopeful! I thought I had longer to go.
After she left, it was just Keith and me. The lights were off and I was on my side just clinging to the rails on the side of the bed. After only a minute or two, I felt myself curling down and pushing involuntarily. Then it happened again! I said "I'm pushing! I'm pushing!" Keith ran to get the doctor. Everyone came rushing in. They wanted me to move and I couldn't move, I almost cried I was in the middle of a contraction and everyone was trying to make me roll over. I asked to sit up higher and the doctor said no. I couldn't believe it. I had thought she would let me be however I wanted. I knew that if I could just sit up I could get her out. I was unable to communicate I just whimpered. She practically yelled at me, "Bethany, get control!" As she said that the contraction subsided. I knew I had better get control and I was able to rest for a moment. I breathed deeply and gathered my strength. At the first sign of the next contraction, I pushed with everything I had. She was crowning, the doctor said she could see that the baby had lots of hair. I just kept pushing, so ready for it to be over. The doctor coached me to slow down and just do little pushes. I did for as long as I could stand it but it felt like fire to have her in the birth canal so I decided it was time to get her out. I roared and pushed with all of my might. She slid right out. The doctor said "Reach down and touch your baby!" I realized my hands were gripping the edge of the bed so tight that I couldn't let go. She said it again and I had to concentrate to make my hands let go of the bed so I could touch the baby. They put her on my stomach and she was so strong she kicked her feet against me and scooted up a few inches. My arms weren't really working to hold her properly but she felt so heavy and squishy on me (she was 8' 6"). I said "Thank you, Jesus." And the room was quiet. I held Everly and looked at her for the first time. She was real and she was here and my pain was gone. She was perfect.
She was also completely brown and smelled pretty bad from the miconium. As soon as the cord was cut they apologized that they had to take her to get cleaned up. I said that's fine she needed it she was really stinky. I was getting cleaned up and the doctor yanked the placenta out just a few minutes after she was born. In no time she was out of there. I was so emotional, I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to hold my baby and my husband to hold me. They were on the other side of the room with their backs to me. I felt vulnerable and alone. The labor and delivery nurse said I had done a really good job. Before long, I had my baby back in my arms. I was told to wait an hour to nurse just to be sure her airways were cleared out. She was so awake and so eager to nurse. She could hold her head up already.
Around the time I started to nurse my dad and Kelley stopped by. I didn't make the baby stop and she didn't stop nursing on her own so they did't get much of a look at her. After they left, the nursery nurses came to check on her and give her a real bath. I decided to take a shower and change clothes myself. I noticed I was gushing blood but my doctor had told me not to worry about blood.
In an office visit, I had told my doctor about my previous delivery. Immediately after my second son was born, the doctor didn't say anything to me but had looked concerned and had the nurse turn my pitocin drip back on. I had been researching natural birth in preparation for Everly's birth and knew that pitocin was used, even in home births, not only to induce labor but to stop a post-partum hemorrhage by making the uterus contract. When I told my doctor that she may want to have some pitocin handy, she dismissed my fears and said "Red is our favorite color." She made me feel like a silly girl. I know bleeding is normal after birth but I also know that women used to bleed to death after giving birth.
I told myself that my bleeding was normal and that the nurses would be checking me frequently, as they had after my previous two deliveries. The nurses would notice if there was a problem, I reasoned. While I was finishing up in the shower, I was told it was time to move to a post-partum room. I was ready to go to the next room and relax with the baby. I rode in a wheelchair and moved easily to the next bed. At this point I changed nurses for the third time in two hours. Everly was born at 6:56 am. Right before shift change. It was around 9:00 when I moved to the post-partum wing.
I was starting to feel weak and tired, and was too sore to sit up so I laid on my side to nurse the baby. It was so cozy! She seemed to love this position. My sister came for a visit so I let her hold the baby. She brought me coffee, which I don't think I actually got to drink. As we were talking, I was aware that I had really been bleeding a lot. I was embarrassed to be checked while she was there so I waited until after she left to call the nurse. I really couldn't believe that they hadn't come in on their own yet.
After she left, I had a little argument with myself. I reasoned that it couldn't hurt to just ask them to check, that was their job after all. I got up the courage to push the button and say the words I dreaded to say, "I need someone to come check my bleeding." A nurse practitioner that I had known from my former doctor's office came in to check me. She pulled back the sheets and gasped the biggest most horrified gasp that I had ever heard. I just nodded my head. I knew it was bad. I said I should have called sooner but I kept thinking that it would stop while I nursed. She danced her fingertips on my tummy and immediately I passed a huge clot. I didn't look, but Keith said it was the size of a basketball.
In a moment my room was full of nurses. They were speaking their lingo but I gathered that they all knew what I needed but were afraid to make any calls without the doctor. I was given something to make me contract to stop the bleeding. They also talked me into taking a narcotic pain reliever which I really didn't want. They changed the sheets while I was still in the bed. My husband said that I was white as a sheet. I knew that the nurses wanted to check my hemoglobin levels to see if I needed a transfusion but they were waiting for the doctor to order it.
I was weak and felt so strange. My in laws were bringing the boys to see their sister. I told Keith to call them because I didn't feel well enough to see them. They were already on their way so I didn't want to disappoint them. We decided to let them come in anyway. My boys were so cute when they saw their sister! They crawled up on the bed with me and I let them take turns holding her. I was crying again. It was such a beautiful moment.
After a short time I thought I might pass out. I waved for them to leave the room and shouted to Keith "I'm about to pass out!" He whisked everyone out of the room as I slumped over to the side. I felt like I had fallen asleep. I was dreaming about my precious boys. In my dream I was floating along the ceiling following them down the hall just smiling at how adorable they were walking together.
I woke up to my nurse patting my cheek and calling my name. I felt dreamy and slowly pieced everything together. I wondered why I had taken a nap while everyone was around, then I remembered that I had passed out. I panicked because I knew I had been holding the baby but I didn't have her now. I looked at Keith he was holding her and had the most haunting expression on his face. He was looking at me but it wasn't like normal making eye contact. His expression was distant and horrified. I knew it must have been bad and I just stayed still and quite. Every nurse on the floor was in my room. Everyone was whispering "Seizure, seizure, does she have seizures?" Keith shook his head "no." Once again I got the vibe that the nurses were afraid of my doctor.
The baby started crying and that snapped Keith in to action. He asked several times for a bottle before a nurse paid attention to him. I watched him feed the baby while there was still a flurry of activity going on around me. I don't know what they were doing. I started bossing Keith about how to feed the baby and everyone laughed that I must be ok. I didn't want to do anything to mess up breast feeding.
After most of the nurses left and everything seemed to calm down. I continued to feel really strange. I was weak and a little loopy. I was falling asleep but I also couldn't relax. I had to concentrate to breath. Each time I inhaled was a concious effort. I was afraid that if I fell asleep that I would stop breathing. I told the nurse this and she said in a motherly tone that that was what she was there for. She offered me oxygen. Perfect, I thought, and said yes. The tubing was uncfomfortable in my nose and the oxygen was cold as I inhaled, but it was a relief. I was able to relax and finally felt a little safer. If I fell asleep or if I passed out again, at least I would have oxygen. The baby cried again and I didn't want her to have anymore formula so I asked Keith to give her to me to nurse. I grabbed her and turned over to my other side to nurse. It was the first time I had moved. Keith said I had "Mommy superpowers."
Keith ordered lunch for me. I hadn't eaten since the night before. I had the bed position me up but I couldn't lift my arms to take a bite. Keith had to spoon feed me. I wondered if this was what it would be like when we are old. What a strange feeling not to be able to feed myself.
After all of that happened, my doctor didn't come back until almost 5:00. Her face was terrified when she entered the room. She said I didn't have a seizure I had just passed out. It was too late that day to get blood work done so she was going to have that checked in the morning to see how much blood I had lost and if I needed a transfusion. After she left, Keith looked at me very seriously and said. "You didn't just pass out. That was a seizure, your back was arched and you were snorting." He said when he called the nurses he said "I'm losing her, I'm losing her." He really thought I was dying. I had seen it in his face. This had been serious and the doctor knew it but was downplaying it.
I was hungry for dinner and got back to nursing the baby. I started to feel normal again and was happy to have family visit that evening. I held Everly next to me all night long.
Early the next morning someone came to draw blood. I got up and tried to take a shower. It was my first time to try to walk and I couldn't believe the effort it took. Thankfully, the shower had a bench to sit on. When I got back to bed I was too worn out to blow dry my hair or put on make-up as I had planned to do. The doctor came by in the late morning to let me know about my blood work. She said my hemoglobin levels were down to 7.1 and 13 was normal. I had about half of the blood a healthy person should have. She said I had come in to the hospital already very anemic with a blood count of 10 something. The doctor said that with the low starting point I hadn't really lost enough blood to need a transfusion. I asked to go home and she really hesitated but said I could if I waited until evening and proved that I could walk the halls before I left.
I never walked the halls but I did sit in a chair for part of the afternoon. My wonderful nurse, who had helped me the day before couldn't believe that I wanted to go home. It helped her to see me in the chair. The bed had been giving me a terrible back ache so I really just wanted to be home. Keith did too. Those little couches that dads have to sleep on are pretty awful. I felt like we were escaping because they were so cautious about letting us go. The doctor told Keith that he was going to have to do everything at home that I was going to be moving from the bed to the couch only for at least a week. Keith was surprised but understood.
At home, I really did just go back and forth from the bed to the couch. I leaned against the wall when I walked down the hall because I was so weak. I couldn't believe how pale I was. I had been tan from summer but now I was pale and my lips were white. Keith brought me the baby to nurse and kept the boys entertained. He cleaned the house, went to the grocery store and made meals to make me strong again. I took two iron supplements a day and drank tons of water. Keith was so attentive to my needs. One night he made spaghetti with meat sauce because red meat is a good source of iron. It was so sweet he had set the table and paid attention to the presentation of the meal, making everything look really nice. I felt like he was still trying to save my life and I fell more in love with him. I watched him with dreamy eyes, feeling so loved and protected.
After a week I started to feel a little stronger and after two to three weeks I felt like I was getting back to my old self. Keith went back to work and the kids started school. I handled taking them to school and picking them up and snuggled with my baby while they were gone.
Even after everything I went through, I would do it all over again for Everly. We weren't complete without her and didn't know it until she joined our family. She has been such a joy and I know that she always will be. I am so in love with my baby girl! I'll stop gushing before I go too far, but she's just perfect. Her presence is like a bright light in an otherwise dark room. I absolutely can not imagine life without her. She is the best impulsive decision we have ever made.
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