First Week Recap: There Were Highs and Ridiculously Low Lows

  Homeschooling is this whole big thing for me. I have wanted to homeschool my kids ever since I was in college studying Early Childhood Education (before I had any children). I have also been afraid to homeschool ever since the idea entered mind. I remember having an argument about it with Keith in some cafe in Stillwater before we were married. So it's safe to say that I have been mentally battling the idea for 8 years. Also, I was homeschooled until ninth grade, which gave me definite pros and cons from real experience. 

  When I think of homeschooling I ask myself, "Do I really want to do that to my kids?" When I think of sending them to public school for 6+ hours a day 5 days a week I ask myself, "Do I really want to do that to my kids?" Now this week, after starting to actually educate my children at home, I ask myself, "Do I really want to do this to MYSELF?" 

  You see, I wasn't meant to be a housewife. I find staying home to take care of my house to be the opposite of fulfilling. I find it mind-numbing. I feel that washing things that are just going to get dirty again and making food that is just going to be complained about actually sucks the very soul out of me. 

  I know homeschooling has very little to do with housework but it does mean many more hours spent at home. I had a melt down this week thinking about it. I am terrified of being caught in a mind-numbing cycle of mornings and afternoons and evenings filled with mundane work that feels like it doesn't matter to anyone at all. I like having things to do outside of my home. I liked my job. I really like seeing people everyday. I liked having work to do that would stay done once I did it, unlike cleaning house.

  The precursor to this melt down wasn't a bad day. It had actually been a great morning. The boys were happy and cooperative and eager to learn through our morning routine. I had managed to actually make breakfast, not just throw out granola bars, and wash several loads of laundry in between school work with the boys. Everly toddled around the school room happily playing with a few plastic cups and lids. At noon I congratulated myself on the success of the morning as if to say "See? This isn't going to be so bad." Then I was bombarded by fears and worry and thinking this couldn't possibly work. 

  I would like to blame this meltdown on my pregnancy hormones because if it was just me then I probably need to be medicated. I was in hysterics by the time my husband got home from work. I am sure he wished he had stayed at work once he saw me. It was a miserable evening and I went to bed feeling like a crazy person. After that, I resolved to keep trying. To release myself from some of the pressure I was putting on myself. To decide what is reasonable and important to get done in a day and forget about the rest. 

  The next day, we finished school early so I took the kids to the zoo. We couldn't do that if they were in public school! I also didn't do any housework and chose not to beat myself up over it. We had gone to the zoo and that had been the right choice. I stopped thinking about enrolling them in our neighborhood school and resolved to own this homeschooling decision. I know it won't be what we do forever. I am not homeschooling through high school! But this is the right thing for each child, for different reasons, for this season. Oh, and this morning I put on make up and fought the urge to put my hair in a ponytail, even though I'm not going anywhere, it just makes me feel better.

  I know that there will continue to be hard days. I have fought this inner battle about the value of housework long enough to know that it will come back and it will be ugly. My breakthrough this week was realizing that the kids are happy. My husband just wants me happy. I am the only one who hears that miserable inner voice that points out all of the negatives and pressures me to do more and says that nothing I do is good enough or important enough. Good enough compared to what? It's time for me to put that voice in its place and empower myself with a positive voice that is confident in the job that I am doing and the choice that I have made. This is my heart's desire. I can't give up before I even get started. My boys have been happy about school everyday so far. Those are the real voices. The ones I should be listening to.